[It really isn't. Not if Greed's own nightmares, the ones filled with the memory of wide betrayed eyes and that suction on his hand, are anything to go by.]
Yeah, yeah, I'll come by.
[But he'll wait a few minutes first, hoping to make it just slightly less obvious that he's already been hanging around nearby.]
[Normally it wouldn't escape Blake's attention that Greed's obviously close by, but these aren't normal circumstances. He starts at the knock on the door and steels himself as he stands to answer.
The door swings wide. Blake's room is pristine, maybe more so than usual, if Greed's ever been privy. He clears his throat.]
[Greed's seen it before, sure, but there's nothing about its state he's likely to read anything into except that Blake's obviously rather neat. Very... detail-oriented. Greed, very deliberately, does not wince.]
Did you think I wasn't gonna? I've been trying to get you to let me ever since I woke up!
[He frowns. It's was negligence on his part, not answering the phone. Because it's Greed, because they have something of an extensive history and he actually likes the guy, those moments of torture feel sharp even now. Maybe no so much as they feel for Greed, but John can't know for sure, only guess.
Taking a seat on the edge of his bed, he rubs his eyes tiredly.]
Sorry. Owe you an apology an'— [He scoffs.] Owe a hell of a lotta those, actually.
[The thing is... the thing is, Greed's been quietly afraid of Blake since even before the prince spilled his secret, because he has the terrifying power to take away something Greed wants with no effort at all- he only has to refuse to be his. He's not like the chimeras, who owed him so much and had nowhere else to go. Blake doesn't need him.
But, perversely, now that he's proved he could kill Greed properly if he put his mind to it, the fear is gone. Oh, there are some nasty memories and they'll be there for a while, but... Greed's pretty sure now that Blake's not going to turn away. Not because of Bido, now that he's done the same thing. Maybe not because of anything else- isn't it guilt from killing that other Greed that's keeping Edward Elric with him?
It feels like something Envy might do, and that's kind of sickening, but at this point it's as much security as he can get in this unpredictable place. He'll take it.]
I've had worse, like I said. For one thing, you didn't eat me. [A beat.] I mean, I'm assuming here, but you didn't seem that crazy...
No, I... [Blake gapes. Eat him? It almost makes him want to laugh at the absurdity of it. Maybe because he's emotional. Probably because he's emotional, which is novel for him. He's made a career (and more) out of keeping his feelings locked away, and now that he can't, Blake's not dealing. At all.
He runs his hands down his face and lets out a long breath. He needs to calm himself, needs to center himself, and really focus. And listen.]
Just that— Well, wasn't right, but I was thinkin' an apology's just nothin' if we're makin' comparisons. A-an' I know there's no fixin' it, but if there's somethin' I can do...
[He's just at a loss here. And clearly not hearing what's being said.]
Look, I'm fine, I think coming back even topped up my Philosopher's Stone... [See, the right thing to do with an offer made by someone more distressed than you've ever seen him is probably to graciously decline. But neither of those things- not graciousness and definitely not turning down something he wants and could have- is something Greed's particularly good at.
He won't ask for what he most wants (don't leave me) because that would sound desperate and needy and with the unpredictability of this place's comings and goings it's probably not even within Blake's power to give. But, yes, there is something else he's wanted.]
If you want to give me something, then... who are you? You know so much about me- you've seen things I don't like people seeing and heard things that weren't the prince's to tell- but you're just some badass with a stuck door.
[Truthfully, Blake's a little taken aback by the request. He never asked for that privy knowledge, never sought to be a possession, but he doesn't mind being a friend. And that usually means not killing the other person first and foremost, but also knowing that a little insider knowledge isn't a decent repayment for murder.]
What—? You want—?
[He gapes for a second, just at a loss for words. What is he supposed to say to that? It isn't as if he can tell Greed everything.]
Christ, what could you wanna know? Just a— Greed, I'm just some guy. That— doesn't make up for anythin'!
"Some guy"? You can go toe-to-toe with a homunculus! [Okay, possibly not the best thing to say given that right now that's part of the problem, but he can't possibly expect Greed to believe there's nothing interesting about him.] Look, you asked, what did you think I'd want?
Can't do either of those on the spot, though. I mean, standing in your room is not a hugely dangerous situation. [It's an awkward attempt at saying I still trust you, and even that much has Greed pacing the room, intensely uncomfortable.]
Look, I dunno what you're offering but there can't be any equivalent exchange here. A life doesn't equal a life, and I wouldn't want yours even if it did.
[Blake shakes his head, eyes narrowed, mostly out of disbelief. What does he mean, it can't be an equivalent exchange? Who doesn't cut the mustard here? They don't add up. Who doesn't cut the mustard?]
Then what? What? Tell me what's— what's— Jesus, just need to... [He shakes his head, drops heavily on to the bed, and glares at the floor, jaw working.]
[It's not about not measuring up, not at all- it's about alchemists and their incessant need to try everything they probably shouldn't try and how, no, you can't sacrifice one life to get another one back. It's been tried, time and time again. In retrospect, however, it may not have been the right thing to say to Blake right at this moment. Greed's not good at this. His chimeras all had each other, and anyway fucked-up military experimentation probably isn't anything like... this.
He knows what is, though. That thing he doesn't want to talk about. But he also doesn't want to see one of his people like this, so what do you want more, Greed? That thing you wanted so desperately...]
...I know you are. You probably will be for a long time. It doesn't go away easily. I know.
[It's a sharp fact, and Blake knows as much. He knows that Greed understands that ache, knows that he's struggled with the very same demons and for how much longer? It doesn't dull anything, just has Blake feeling less alone.
He lifts his gaze to look at his friend, to see his face and understand the recognition on it. It pings him hard and his hand comes out to clasp Greed's shoulder. A squeeze, something a little too tight, and after a second it turns into a motion that dumps right into a hug. Something firm and sincere and maybe a little desperate because Blake needs it to speak where he can't.
He's sorry. He didn't mean any of it. He wouldn't ever, not ever. They're friends. They can still be friends. It'll get better.
It's about the best he can offer, but it's something.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
[voice/action]
Yeah, yeah, I'll come by.
[But he'll wait a few minutes first, hoping to make it just slightly less obvious that he's already been hanging around nearby.]
[action]
The door swings wide. Blake's room is pristine, maybe more so than usual, if Greed's ever been privy. He clears his throat.]
C'mon in. Thanks for comin'.
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Did you think I wasn't gonna? I've been trying to get you to let me ever since I woke up!
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[He frowns. It's was negligence on his part, not answering the phone. Because it's Greed, because they have something of an extensive history and he actually likes the guy, those moments of torture feel sharp even now. Maybe no so much as they feel for Greed, but John can't know for sure, only guess.
Taking a seat on the edge of his bed, he rubs his eyes tiredly.]
Sorry. Owe you an apology an'— [He scoffs.] Owe a hell of a lotta those, actually.
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But, perversely, now that he's proved he could kill Greed properly if he put his mind to it, the fear is gone. Oh, there are some nasty memories and they'll be there for a while, but... Greed's pretty sure now that Blake's not going to turn away. Not because of Bido, now that he's done the same thing. Maybe not because of anything else- isn't it guilt from killing that other Greed that's keeping Edward Elric with him?
It feels like something Envy might do, and that's kind of sickening, but at this point it's as much security as he can get in this unpredictable place. He'll take it.]
I've had worse, like I said. For one thing, you didn't eat me. [A beat.] I mean, I'm assuming here, but you didn't seem that crazy...
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He runs his hands down his face and lets out a long breath. He needs to calm himself, needs to center himself, and really focus. And listen.]
Just that— Well, wasn't right, but I was thinkin' an apology's just nothin' if we're makin' comparisons. A-an' I know there's no fixin' it, but if there's somethin' I can do...
[He's just at a loss here. And clearly not hearing what's being said.]
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He won't ask for what he most wants (don't leave me) because that would sound desperate and needy and with the unpredictability of this place's comings and goings it's probably not even within Blake's power to give. But, yes, there is something else he's wanted.]
If you want to give me something, then... who are you? You know so much about me- you've seen things I don't like people seeing and heard things that weren't the prince's to tell- but you're just some badass with a stuck door.
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What—? You want—?
[He gapes for a second, just at a loss for words. What is he supposed to say to that? It isn't as if he can tell Greed everything.]
Christ, what could you wanna know? Just a— Greed, I'm just some guy. That— doesn't make up for anythin'!
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Look, not sure what, just know I gotta do somethin'. Get your back or save your ass or... I dunno.
[He sighs and shakes his head, repeats himself even.]
Just dunno right now.
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Look, I dunno what you're offering but there can't be any equivalent exchange here. A life doesn't equal a life, and I wouldn't want yours even if it did.
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Then what? What? Tell me what's— what's— Jesus, just need to... [He shakes his head, drops heavily on to the bed, and glares at the floor, jaw working.]
Sorry. Just... sorry, man. 'm sorry.
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He knows what is, though. That thing he doesn't want to talk about. But he also doesn't want to see one of his people like this, so what do you want more, Greed? That thing you wanted so desperately...]
...I know you are. You probably will be for a long time. It doesn't go away easily. I know.
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He lifts his gaze to look at his friend, to see his face and understand the recognition on it. It pings him hard and his hand comes out to clasp Greed's shoulder. A squeeze, something a little too tight, and after a second it turns into a motion that dumps right into a hug. Something firm and sincere and maybe a little desperate because Blake needs it to speak where he can't.
He's sorry. He didn't mean any of it. He wouldn't ever, not ever. They're friends. They can still be friends. It'll get better.
It's about the best he can offer, but it's something.]